Monday, February 6, 2017

one to two

I think I can safely say that when you add tiny humans to your life it can become chaos. It's really hard to predict that, especially as a new mom. You set up expectations and ideals and a fair amount of them never come true. I think were all wired to have ideals and we want them to come to fruition of exactly how we pictured them in our heads. I sometimes wonder if my ideals were true though if I would actually be satisfied still. Were kind of always reaching for bigger and better, aren't we?
The American dream, eh?
That's a different post. Moving on.

 Levi Kai was born December 11, 2016. He was six days early. 12 hours of labor + 30 minutes or so of pushing and out came my little man sunny side up. He greeted me at 9:30 in the morning. I've never been so overjoyed in my entire life. Im actually wanting to cry now. Lump in my throat. I bet you're wondering, uh, don't you have another kid?

Liam was born May 29, 2014. He was right on time. 38 hours of labor + 30 or so minutes of pushing ( about the only common thing between them)  He was born at 7:11pm. He greeted me with screams and he's never stopped. Now I'm actually crying. Liam's labor was grueling and hard. He didn't latch well. He was colicky, he was restless and I was constantly unsure of myself. Aren't all new moms? ah, to be naive again. Side note: I love the backgrounds of new mom houses too. I sit there and see everything breakable, everything that will be licked, drooled, ruined and marked on. Ha.

So Liam is my tough one. He stubborn, he's loud, he's quite frankly obnoxious because he's pretty much ruined every single thing Ive ever owned. He's bright though. Oh, so bright and smart. The things this kid can figure out. Honestly, you have to just laugh. He loves all things wheels, building, puzzles and pretty much every appliance in my home. He loves lights and music and all things tech just like Daddy. I have no doubt he will have a special skill that will turnover an income for him.
Oh, but wait, I do have my doubts. It was 18 months I noticed things weren't right. I've gone down the path many times of everything I could have done wrong to make him who he is. The sensory and speech delays have caused more anxiety, stress, tears and frustration in a year than all my battles I've faced in my entire life. I have never felt like more of a failure. Its lots of screaming, grunting, dragging me every which way to what his needs may possibly be. It's exhausting. I have wrote about it before and I'm sure some are sick of hearing it. The venting and complaining. It's isolating though. I feel confined to my tiny apartment because public appearances are ALWAYS a negative experience. We make it to the park and that's about it. We do play dates but not many. I usually have people come during nap time if they aren't used to him or he isn't to them.

My boys are opposites. I can tell shy of Levi being two months that they are two entirely different humans. Levi is calm and easy to please. He doesn't cry his eyes out when he wakes up. He wakes up happy. He actually sleeps. I literally have never ever known this. He nurses well. If I had him first I would have thought women were insane for thinking anything less but just absolute joy.

I feel guilt writing this but it's my reality. I love my boys dearly but to say I got handed my ideal cards is far from the truth. No one wants to be dealt the special needs card. We want our children to thrive without obstacles, struggles or delays. It's just the ideal fact. We want the best for them. The whole more than we had type of deal. I don't enjoy playing a guessing game all day long only to be screamed at, hit, hair pulled and seeing my child so red faced because he's so damn frustrated trying to get me to understand him. I really wish I could walk into a store and not have him meltdown. I wish I didn't have to have him in speech and behavior therapy. I wish our connection was more than our blood. There are moments. I cherish and hold them close because they are very few and far between. It probably sounds like I really don't like Liam and that's far from the truth.

                                                                    I LOVE LIAM

.. but I do not like his roadblocks. They suck. They can literally kick rocks because they mask my beautiful child buried inside. They make our relationship hard. He will be 3 in May and we haven't had a single conversation. I mean I talk but I don't get a response. I don't hear his thoughts. It's heartbreaking. I hate those stupid ask your toddler tests and read their cute answers because I CAN'T DO THEM. It makes me green with envy.

So all to say, this is where I've been. This is what I battle. This is why I say no more often than I ever have before. It's hard and I won't deny it's hard. If I didn't have the husband I did and the family and friends and support system I do I would have literally lost it. Motherhood is different for each of us and I realize we all fight our own battles. No kid is perfect. Some have it easier and some have it harder. We each have a struggle. I choose to be transparent with mine because I need community. I need the help. I need the words of encouragement. I want the best for both my children. I hope and pray Levi doesn't have nearly as many obstacles as his brother. I hope he can be his light and friend. I hope they can be what each other needs. I also hope and pray there's enough resources I can provide for Liam. That in the end he can be a productive human in society. My boys are my love and light and even though we have obstacles I would never ever in a million years change it. They have made me the best version of myself. They make me see the world differently and love the deepest I have ever felt. Here' to motherhood unfiltered. My celebrations and victories. My highs & lows. My bad days and downright frustrating days. Motherhood is beautiful & messy and here you can find it all.

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